


My efforts weren't enough

by Anumshipsall



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Depression, Suicide, but we don't know with how much yamaguchi looks up to tsukishima, im so sorry yamaguchi, so no one saw it coming, this is a mess, this is my depression represented through yamaguchi, tsukishima and yamaguchi more of a friendship relationship, tsukishima.... im so sorry, yamaguchi couldn't tell anyone how he felt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 18:49:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20376394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anumshipsall/pseuds/Anumshipsall
Summary: Yamaguchi was the only one in the group who didn't have any special skills when playing volleyball. There was nothing special about him and he knew he'd always feel that way. It was when the team had a big competition and Yamaguchi couldn't hit that last winning point that he couldn't take it anymore.The second chapter would just be a short bit for how Tsukishima felt.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry Yamaguchi...
> 
> well uhm i needed to get this off my chest so since i can't talk to anyone thought i'd just express it through writing a fanfiction.  
So it's just my feelings before i got my GCSE grades a few days ago.  
It also expresses how there are good people in my life yet my fear wont let me open up to anyone.
> 
> i feel like Tsukishima in this is a mix of two people in my life

# My Efforts Weren't Enough

I was so nervous in a few days it was going to be the big volleyball competition that would make our school look so good if we won.  
Honestly i am so scared i don't have anything good or special about me and everyone's been working so hard for it.  
I know i'll probably just mess it up.

It was late in the night, a week before the competition and here i was on my bed just thinking of all the ways i was going to mess up. I tried to sleep, tossing and turning until i knew that it wasn't working so instead i texted Tsukishima knowing he'd be awake playing a game or something.

_Hey Tsukishima how you doing? i can't sleep._ i texted him. Eagerly i waited for his text back. Tsukishima has been with me for most of my life so i always feel better when talking to him and he always manages to calm me down even if he doesn't know about my depression.

my phone pinged indication he had replied _I'm playing a game on my phone. Just join me in two player and we'll just play together._ was his reply.

_heh_ He always knew how to make me feel better even though just a second ago i was going to cut my self to stop my noisy head yet Tsukishima's small text was all i needed and the noises became background music.  
We played most of the night till we were really tired and fell asleep.

I woke up to my alarm ringing loudly next to my ear and to my phone ringing and a bunch of texts from Tsukishima saying he was waiting for me downstairs.  
I quickly rush all of my daily routine and practically throw on my clothes.

When i got downstairs i just grab some chocolate bread from the kitchen and pass one to Tsukishima so we can start our daily walk to school and like always we just talked about the most random of things but i liked it that way becuase it always made me laugh talking to Tsukishima like this and it always stopped the voices in my head. For the moments i was with Tsukihsima always stopped the voices that's why i loved him so much.

We were at school and now and had to go our separate ways since the teachers had seperated us in all different classes and as soon as Tsukishima had gone it all started getting loud again.  
_You're already probably going to fail all your classes so why do you think you can suddenly be so great at volleyball_ my head reminded through all of my classes like always how useless i was.

After school like always we all went to volleyball practice. There everyone was already messing around. Tsukishima was riling up Kageyama, Nishinoya was practising with Hinata and everyone else was also practising their blocks and attacks.  
I always came late so i could change in the changing room by myself otherwise the other's would have seen my scars that cover my whole body.  
I couldn't do that to them, to burden them all with my stupid emotions.  
We carried on with our usual practices and as usual i watched how amazing everyone was and how shit i was.

It's been a couple of days and now there are only two more days till the completion and now it was getting really bad.  
I can't sleep at all because each time i try i end up waking in sweat and tears, i was so scared of letting everyone down and it was getting to me so i did what i normally did when i could barely breathe through my depression and grabbed the blades i hid inside the pocket of my school bag. 

So many of them were worn out from how much i had used them instead i used the more newer one's that i had recently gotten. This whole week i had to cute every single day just to keep me calm and to keep these emotions and panic down and i made sure to always cut in places where none of my friends could see.  
This time it didn't work maybe because we were so close to the big competition but i kept cutting and cutting and the voices wouldn't stop, the pain wasn't enough and wasn't working this time.

I started crying more to myself hugging my knees trying to cry as quietly as i could. Why wasn't it working? Why could i still hear my thoughts?  
_look at you cry. so pathetic. you're going to make your whole team lose so why are you still here._ Shut up. SHut Up. SHUT UP! But they would't.  
_you're crying over this haha so weak_ the whole night i couldn't get my mind to shut up instead i stayed up just silently crying.

The next night wasn't any and even the night before the competition i couldn't sleep.

It was the day of the competition now and i had to stay awake to be in top shape. I went to my corner shop and bought some cans of energy drinks and downed them right there. Tsukishima didn't walk with me today im guessing he was already at the place where the competition took place since it was so big we got to skip school for it.  
When i reached there i entered and saw the big stadium looking place we were going to play in and i felt so scared looking at all the people watching the competition.

I was already sweating and we hadn't even started yet.

~time skip to the last bit of the competition~

We were at the finales now, only our team and the other team. Througout the game i tried my best to keep up witj all these amazing players but it was when the last deciding ball was hit out way that i messed up so bad.

I missed the ball and it dropped on our side of the court. Suddenly loud roars could be heard from the other team as i looked at the defeated looks on my teams faces i just stood there feeling the guilt already start eating at me.  
_you shouldn't have come. I told you would let them down_ my head told me

Everything else that day was a blur.  
Daichi telling everyone that it was okay and that they should be proud for making it so far. Daichi even talked to me probably seeing how down i was and he just said something about i tried my hardest and anyone could've missed such a strong hit but i couldn't even hear most of what he was saying only replaying all the disappointing looks on my team members faces when i missed that last ball.

Everyone went out to celebrate how far they made it that night, i just made an excuse to not go and Tsukishima was going to not go as well if i didn't go so i had to persuade him into staying.

I walked in the cold night by myself not having to fake a smile and instead had my face in a full frown.  
_you're so stupid you let them all down and you even knew you would but you still went_ my thoughts became more brutal now only replaying that look from everyone's face in my mind.  
i was glad no one was home tonight since my family went out to visit some relatives.  
I was alone like i should be.

The minute i walked through the door i just broke down in tears. Why did i go? Its all my fault that we lost. I ruined it for everyone.  
My mind was in more a mess than it normally would be. It was so loud and i just wanted it all to end right then and there.

I tried to control myself thinking about how Tsukishima didn't deserve this so i tried to cut the emotions away.

cut  
cut  
cut

There was so much blood yet the pain still didn't stop  
It was so loud  
I hate myself so much  
I've always been a let down and no one deserves to suffer knowing me anymore.

I grabbed some paper and a pen.  
Tsukishima at least deserved to now why.

I wrote my suicide note as i waited for the bath to fill up, it was brief just a simple of how hard it has been living with depression that grows worse everyday and how i didn't want to disappoint anyone anymore.

I entered the cold bath tub wanting to feel pain all the way till my last breathing moment.  
Before passing away i thought of all the great times i did manage to have with Tsukishima and the gang but how it wasn't enough to stop my hate for myself.


	2. Chapter 2

Tsukishima had let Yamaguchi go home since he looked more tired than the rest not thinking of it as odd and just celebrated with the rest of the team.

It was a shock like he'd just gotten struck by lightning when he heard the next day while he was in school that Yamaguchi had committed suicide. Tsukishima was known for having a stoic face but when he heard that from the teachers he just ran out of the class,he ran all the way to Yamaguchi's house praying it wasn't true however when the door opened it revealed Yamaguchi's mom and she looked so broken.

When she saw Tsukishima she started crying and hugging him.  
"i- i didn't know. I sh-should've been there with him that night." Yamauchi's mom cried out into Tsukishima's shoulder.

Tsukishima started crying as well remembering how he even saw Yamaguchi that night looking down but why didn't he go with him and if he did he could've stopped this.   
He could've saved Yamaguchi.  
Although he wasn't there and instead was here crying with his family.

"W-where is he?" Tsukishima managed to get out.

Yamaguchi's mother just told him that they have already put his body into a casket and he was in the living room since they were not done grieving yet and the burial was going to happen in the night.

Tsukishima slowly walked to the living, the first thing he saw was the big white casket with some dark green around it like his dark green hair thought Tsukishima and he went up to the casket still crying.  
Yamaguchi's mom walked in after a few minutes handing him a piece of paper and upon readind it Tsukishima cried even harder.

That night the whole volleyball team came to Yamaguchi's funeral and a lot more of other people that Tsukishima didn't know.  
They were all sobbing over Yamaguchi's grave.


End file.
